I’m writing here to hold myself accountable because, to be honest, I need all the help I can get. I’ve been battling with anxiety and depression for some time now.
You see, for as long as I can remember I’ve always been anxious. I remember when I was a child I’d be staying at a friend’s house while my parents went out for the evening. It would get late and they weren’t back yet. Next thing I knew all the possible things that could have happened to them would fill my mind and cause anxiety, when obviously nothing happened and they were just running late.
Not only would I get anxious in those situations, but I also would fret about what people thought of me. Though, I honestly don’t think this really started until 6th grade (that I remember) when my best friends at the time decided they didn’t like me anymore because of a trivial thing (having bangs, which they didn’t). Since then I’ve always worried about every little thing someone does around me. If someone says hello to someone else but not me, it must mean they don’t like me right? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve ended up crying because of my perception of what people do around me and the anxiety it causes due to feeling like I need to be liked.
I never really thought of myself having depression though. Growing up I saw myself as a happy person in general. Usually, I would have a cheerful disposition, but the older I get the more I’ve felt that persona drop and what’s inside is no longer able to be hidden. I would normally put on a happy face even when I was sad because it’s what I thought was expected of me. But now I’m coming to terms with having depression and anxiety, and know I need to get help.
But it’s not that easy I’ve found, as I’ve been putting off going to the doctor. What can I say, it gives me anxiety to work towards dealing with my anxiety and depression. I keep telling myself I will do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes and I just continue to procrastinate. Which by the way, I’ve been a procrastinator all my life, now I know why. What I thought was being lazy was me becoming a slave to my anxiety.
A few weeks ago, I lost a friend I was close to in high school to suicide. It was and is heartbreaking. I hadn’t talked to him in years and hadn’t seen him in even more. I got to thinking about when we were younger and decided I should read through my journals during that time of my life, especially hoping to find some happy memories between us.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have many stories about him, but I did talk about him a little. What was even more glaring was that I realized my anxiety was prevalent even then. Throughout my journal, over and over, I fretted about the way friends, boys, someone felt about me. Sure it’s normal for a teenager to worry about things like that, especially if their crush likes them, but my journal was filled with those worries in an obsessive way that I can only now realize was an anxious behavior.
After reading through my journals and thinking of my late friend, I decided that I needed to do something.
But why am I telling you all this? Well, it sadly gets in the way of my blogging. I love my blog, it is my virtual baby. But sometimes the anxiety gets to me so deeply and it puts me into such a depression that I have no motivation to work on it and I feel terrible for having you guys not hear from me. It almost feels like a chore and so I neglect it and put it off.
Another reason is I need to be held accountable, so what better way than putting it out there on the internet. I want to do better and feel better and hopefully live my life with my anxiety and depression in check so I can feel happier and be the mom that my daughter deserves and the wife my husband needs. I want to go to a Doctor. Like actually go. I want to be told that I’m not alone and that I can get through this, because anxiety and depression feels like a lonely battle when there actually are soldiers fighting by your side.
If you are like me, and you feel comfortable, please let me know in the comments or you can email me. I would love to know what stories my readers have of overcoming this to give me some hope.